jupiter with her vision...

Firstly, I hope you know that the Roman god Jupiter is the Greek god Zeus, almighty king of the gods and a very masculine one at that. But for now, I am assuming you know that obvious fact and did that switch on purpose; if I interpret you correctly, that is. You are lucky in that I happen to be a Greek mythology buff as well, so there will be no searches or questioning of roles required for me.

I am assuming that Jupiter is a woman for some reason; some err in his normal day, or a disguise to rape someone else (most probably the latter). Ahh, and the idea that size is of no significance in Greek stories, how quaint of you.

‘jupiter with her vision expanding, looking’

I don’t know if I like ‘vision expanding’. It sounds nice, but it keeps irking me, like you could add something in there that could foreshadow and precipitate so much more.

‘whose tiny spine is shaped
as a comma, like a scream,
she is crying’

As if the shapely image of the tiny and bendable mouse spine weren’t enough (though mice have no spines), you topped it by smoothly transferring that directly into the crying through comparing the comma of a spine to a scream – that was utterly beautiful.

‘oh jptr hide your face
oh jptr’

Why the sudden abbreviation? There’s no need except for confusion and a lack of spelling we know you don’t have from your previous lines. Don’t do something like that – misspellings are always just insulting to the writer.

‘whose long red locks
are grazing her,’

Cute detail, but add another adjective if you can that doesn’t just give a color; give it meaning.

‘pasiphae, she is whispering
pasiphae I am inclined-‘

These two lines were especially powerful out of the conversation, simple as they were. I think it had to do with the repetition of the name, it called for desperation, and reminds the reader of stragglers on their death beds.

‘- don’t touch me
towards your
- don’t touch me
tiny eyes.’

Cold, but needed to be said. Does it have to do with the womanly form Jupiter is taking at the moment? Perhaps his identity is hidden once again and this chick is irked by women. But that is not the point. The interruptions of ‘don’t touch me’ are effective, but I would love it if the second one had just a word added to it like ‘ever’ or something, as if to give it more emphasis as it too grows in desperation for its cause. What would you say to:

‘- don’t touch me
towards your
- don’t ever touch me
tiny eyes.’

?

‘. there is no space for
my body,
may I rest my soul here
for a little while?’

Ahh, and finally the lust is fortressed when only in the form of a woman; an interesting concept for Zeus, indeed.

It makes me wonder what Zeus would really do: either grow sympathetic for all his rape and love victims, or realize his disguise as a tool to go peeping. Though his character suggests the latter, you seem to suggest the former in this and it must remain undisputed, as he has never done so in myth; at the time, such a disguise for a masculine god would be heartbreak at the Olympics.

Overall, your sense of obscurity is mostly well done, but it would still be nice to have a few more hints to work with; even adjectival ones. Also – capitalization – use when necessary: at the start of sentences, names, etc. It just identifies what’s going on so much better. The take, again, is very interesting and could most certainly be a solidly controversial question – what if Zeus were a woman for a day? Though I realize it is not the main focus of the work, it is sticking in my mind. The emotion is still pushed, but a little bit farther and we’ll have a crying spree.